I Am Definitely Not Number Four
by TheInsaneLoricWhovian
Summary: Number One tripped over a rock in Malaysia. Number Two died of over exposure to tumblr in England. Number Three had an allergic reaction to a pineapple in Kenya. I am definitely not number four! Crack fic, because I want craziness!


**Chapter One – In Which Three is a Badass**

Once upon a time, there were nine kids who survived an attack on their planet who were sent to earth, and those that survived grew up to be badass aliens who won a war, inspired generations of people and lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, this story is not their story, and the events that follow took place in a universe where everyone is 87.3 percent more stupid. Sure, it still involves nine kids who survived an attack on their planet but they were... let's just say they were special. Also, in this story there are pineapples. There aren't any pineapples in the original series, are there? See! Completely different.

I guess I should begin our journey through time and space by travelling to a hut in front of a conveniently placed jungle. Three lived there alone, as his Cepan had abandoned him years ago to become an NFL basketball player.

The boy swung the nun-chucks in a bored manner, slicing ten trees in half with his mind.

Man, did Three want some action, it got boring in Kenya sometimes. As if someone was answering his wishes, a Mogadorian burst the trees and shot at him, an army appearing behind him.

Three tore through the army of Mogadorians smiling gleefully, swinging from one tree to the next in a blur of fire and lightning. When there was nothing left but Mogadorian bodies and a lot of ash, he stood there and frowned. "Damn it! That took ten seconds! I could have done it in five..."

Grumbling to himself, he found his way to the tree where his chest lay, in plain view for everyone to see. I mean, really. That's _very_ safe. Not like someone would notice at all.

He sat at the base of it and opened his chest, finding a random banana at the top. He smiled happily. "First a squadron of Mogs show up at my doorstep, and now I find a banana? It must be my lucky day!" He bit into the banana without peeling it, because he was a badass that way.

Unfortunately, too preoccupied by his precious banana, he failed to realise he was sitting under a pineapple tree. Three had never encountered a pineapple before, and as one fell on his head, his fragile, muscle lined, alien body freaked out, swelling up. It also probably didn't help that the banana he'd eaten was laced full of poison (damn it, why was there a banana in his chest in the first place? If it was an orange this never would have happened!). Three flailed his arms, grabbing his chest as he fell tumbling down a hill, because apparently being poisoned and suffering a severe allergic wasn't enough.

Three knew if he didn't do something fast he could die - and that would frankly suck, he remembered Number Four a little and if his memory served correct the guy was a complete idiot and would most likely die from an infected paper cut.

Three opened his chest with his teeth somehow and swallowed a liquefied solution that healed him in a moments notice. He sighed in relief. He made to stand up, but realised he wasn't able to.

It was then that he saw the pineapple that had hit him on the head start to slowly roll down the steep hill he was on. "Oh no... Curse you land formation!"

Fortunately the pineapple started leering towards the left... "Whew, I'm gla-"

Towards a very fragile pineapple tree... Mwahahahaha!

"God damn it, pineapples don't even grow on trees – _curse you evil author!_"

_Number Three. Don't break the 4th wall. Not cool._

"Sorry."

_That's better. How are you talking to me anyway?_ "Uhhh... Telepathy?"

Meanwhile, in **The Random Ass Bush** right in front of where Three was dramatically dying via pineapples a mysterious Mogadorian was being a creepy ass pervert and watching Three talk to himself like a crazy person.

"Hey, I know him - he's Number Three! You should save him, Adam!"

Suddenly Adam, screaming, "A Damn Awesome Mogadorian, YEAH!" jumped out of the bush, a guitar solo playing in the background from seemingly nowhere.

Three squealed like a girl and threw a pineapple at Adam, before realising what he had just done and squealing in pain as his hand turn a peculiar shade of green.

The pineapple flew at Adam's head and knocked him out.

"Aahhh!" Three shouted.

"Aahhh!" Adam shouted.

High above them, Taylor Swift parachuted out of an aeroplane and landed next to the two very odd looking aliens, the impact of her landing creating a tornado which sucked up all the pineapples and flew away into the distance.

"Yippee! Thank you author!"

And then, because Three broke the fourth wall again when he said he wouldn't, Taylor Swift turned into a Mogadorian, stabbed Three and disappeared into the black void of **The Plot Hole **through **The Random Ass Bush.**

"Aw f*ck! _I knew she was trouble!_"

And then a pineapple fell on his head and he started dying because he's not allowed to swear.

"Tell my wife I love her!" Three gasped out, stretching out his hand to

"You have a wife?" Adam asked.

"No..." Three pouted and his face starting mixing and expanding into forever alone guy.

"Oh no, just, just stop that, okay, it's creepy." Adam shivered and Three's face returned to normal as he fell unconscious.

One stared at Three, who was motionless on the canopy floor. "Do you think he's dead Adam?" Adam jumped into the air screaming, "A Damn Awesome Mogadorian!"

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm Omnipresent Neon... Energy bar." One rolled her eyes.

Adam, confused, said, "I thought your name was One - oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh."

"Adam."

Suddenly Adam jumped up in the air and started screaming "A Damn-" but before he could finish an old man appeared in **The Random Ass Bush.** Adam stared at the man. The man stared at Adam.

"Why are you wearing a dressing gown?" Adam asked the old man, who smiled, his eyes twinkling under his half moon glasses.

"These are my robes, it's not a dressing gown, my boy. I'm Albus Dumbledore. Lemon drop?"

"Oooh!" Adam took the lemon drop he was being offered and Dumbledore jumped back into **The Random Ass Bush** and apparated away.

One tickled Three to see if he would do anything as Adam swallowed the lemon drop.

He did not. However, both One and Adam failed to remember that One was not in fact a physical being, and nothing she did would have an effect on the outside world. Therefore, when One tickled Three, the universe failed to acknowledge her existence and so Three did not have a reaction.

Adam walked away from Three's comatose (and very much still alive) body and started pretending to be a cat, "Meow!" To which One shook her head and sat down. This would be an interesting night.

Damn lemon drops.

...

Of course, the moral of this story, my friends, is to avoid pineapples and never, never, accept a lemon drop from Dumbledore.

* * *

**A/N: **Good evening everyone. ;) This is dedicated to my friend Fin who helped me come up with the idea. I hope it was... interesting... to read. :P


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